


My last message

by hwasunny



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Depression, M/M, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25182745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwasunny/pseuds/hwasunny
Summary: Squeaky swing. Balcony and the smell of strawberry cigarettes. Crab chips on your bed. Dirty kitchen. Lots of old posters covering cracked tiles. Scar on the right thigh. Pier. Cherry hygienic lipstick. Kiss.
Relationships: Park Seonghwa/Kim Hongjoong - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	My last message

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in English, so if I have any mistakes - I’m sorry 👉👈
> 
> I wrote it some months ago when I felt awful and alone. You should read this work during listening some Sufjan Stevens songs - Mystery of love and Visions of Gideon for more atmosphere.
> 
> I hope that you’ll like it!

_Chat with **strawberry.joong**_

_**flowerhwa** _

Okay

Its really hard to begin, but I’ll try

  
I can’t describe our meetings quite colorfully, but you will definitely understand what I’m talking about, even when I say just one word.

Squeaky swing. Balcony and the smell of strawberry cigarettes. Crab chips on your bed. Dirty kitchen. Lots of old posters covering cracked tiles. A scar on the right thigh. Pier. Cherry hygienic lipstick. Kiss.

Even after so many years, I couldn’t let you go. I carry my cross of hope every day, hoping to see your red head on my own pillow. But this does not happen. Neither on the first day, nor in five years. I don’t know how, but those posters that you hung on my dead walls still hold on. Some of them became dimmer over time, but not the one on which you left your message. He remains unchanged, even after so many years, being opposite the window near my bed. Although, to whom I'm lying, since you left, I very rarely opened the curtains.

That damn sun reminded me of you. You were not like the sun, no. It was your exact copy: bright and incredibly warm, which I still cannot reach, although it exists every day and makes other people happy, and it only slowly killing me. Who knew that to miss somebody is so disgusting and painful. It turns you inside out, coughing up blood mixed with all the sadness that has accumulated inside during so many years. I’m ready to cough up my own lungs and tear out my heart, just to not feel this pain.

But how without her I can understand and still remember that I truly loved you? That all these feelings haunting me to this day were not fake and you were not your first love. You became the first and apparently the last my true love. And if I were given the chance to forget everything that was between us and get rid of all the pain, then I would refuse.

During my life I regretted so many things, small and not. But I never regretted about us. About our night walks around the house. About the dawn that we met hand in hand on the old ragged balcony. About lazy days spent in bed watching old movies. I didn’t regret every minute spent with you and every kiss given to you.

Your cherry hygiene lipstick is still stored in my bedside table, and there is still little hope in my mind that you will ever use it again. That your small fingers will go through the posters and stop at the inscription left by the black pen on my birthday, when you brought in a huge gift box and some paper rolls, telling me to read what it was written only when you left.

And on that day when you left completely, I read this text again and it was opened to me from the other side. Words that used to be a promise tightened their throat with sonorous chains of despair, blocking oxygen.

_"Even if we begin to move away, everything will be fine."_

At first they inspired me with hope. I was waiting for that day when you unlock my number and I will hear your voice again. I would ask if you ate something, after that I would hear some kind of joke and loud laugh, and then we would talk about nothing, as we always did. However, this did not happen. All your accounts are either deleted, or I am blocked from them. My family and friends preferred not to mention you, so as not to cause unnecessary reasons for my suffering, but this made it even worse.

Sometimes I even thought that I made you up at all. Everyone just forgot who you are and that you have ever been in their lives. Even San, before that constantly asking me about our relationships, suddenly became silent and preferred to bypass this topic. It was as if you never existed, but I’m only an idiot, suffering and killing myself for someone unreal. I felt empty and I wanted to scream from this emptiness. How could they just cross you out of their lives?

But the brain cannot be fooled. Every day I wake up with you and every night fall asleep, but in my mind. Your figure is the clearest picture that left in my head. Compared to it, everything else faded like an old film, but I did not mind. I did not want to forget the happiest moments of my own life, let them now bring only tears of joy and sadness at the same time.

You are the brightest and best thing in my life. I am sorry that I couldn’t say this earlier, but I understood how important you are when it was already too late. I don’t want to sacrifice and engage in self-flagellation, but that is how the last five years of my life went. I'm a coward. It could have been otherwise, I said, instead of all those terrible words, just one phrase. But I was afraid that it was early to say about real feelings between us. This was a fatal mistake.

Over time, I began to express all my untold words on paper. Since you did not want or were not ready to hear me, I decided to talk to you differently. Though you would never have seen these works, but the fact that they exist is important to me. My whole table is in your portraits: different formats and materials, motives, but everywhere only you. When you sleep, smile or just stand. It must be looking very strange and even creepy that I got so used and attached to you that I surrounded myself with drawings of you.

Recently, I began to draw a lot of work on canvas with oil, but brush strokes constantly go wrong and the brushes completely fall out of my hands. As if the world does not want this drawing to be born. Or I don’t want to? Suddenly, some part of the subconscious is protecting me from the desired result, for. I’ll just not stand other portrait of you, all the more so colorful and significant.

Some months ago an idea came up in my head to sort out a wardrobe. Although, a strange desire, given that I literally became a recluse, not going out into the street. This simply did not make sense, or it was, but I categorically refused to see it. That blue jeans jacket with small stones caught my eye. You remember it? You bought this jacket in a cheap second-hand and presented it to me with a bright smile on your face and eyes literally sparkling with happiness. I hope so, because you loved this thing so much and every time when the rhinestones almost fell off, with such careful love you attached them back.

I even left our box of memories, but I hid it so far in the closet that it wouldn’t hurt too much. I'm tired of crying and tearing my hair out in eternal tantrums, just looking at your portraits and those fucking posters. And what will happen when I open this Pandora's box? Our common things will be completely blown me away, so much so that the tsunami will be less massive compared to surging emotions.

I remember what is stored there, but from touching these items will be even worse. I remember that polaroid made on San’s old film camera until he didn’t see it. I remember some pictures from the photo booth in the shopping center, where we went after a session of some boring melodrama. I remember your colorful bracelet with multi-colored cubes, which was frayed over time and I replaced the ropes in it for you. I remember everything to the smallest detail. And that makes it incredibly painful.

I hope that you are doing well and you have achieved your own goals. I know you and your temper: if you set yourself some level, you will surely reach it and even jump over it. That is you. Hardworking to hell, with bruises under the eyes from six hours of sleep in few days, but full of optimism and colors of life. Well, or so it was. So you have remained in my memory, although now you are maybe a completely different person who has a lot of friends and may have different views on life. I believe that you have become the best version of yourself, as you wanted.

Because I couldn’t. I did not live up to your hopes, family, or even my own. Although so many plans were made and how many hours we talked about them. Every night, looking into the starry sky, we discussed future goals that we wanted and were going to rich. And if then everything was extremely simple and easy, now everything is the other. With your departure, my priorities changed, even went to hell. Instead of that confident and reasonable guy, I became a little boy who was pushed alone into this dangerous world.

It was hard to pass exams to university, but I made it. A budget place in jurisprudence, because my mother chose it for me. Only you knew that I was dreaming about being a dancer or choreographer. However, I did not hold out even two courses - left by my own. It was better than just deferring my deduction. For some time I worked like freelancer, drawing logos and completing small tasks. Then painted to order and people took my work with pleasure, but from all this I quickly got tired. My inner constancy and inspiration was gone with you. Since then, it is impossible to find a place and fill the void in the heart that I personally handed to you.

So, as a person who knows English, you must understand this comparison. Unlike Korean, there are two concepts of "home". “House” is the room or building where you live: where you eat, sleep, have a bath, and more. And “home” is the place where you feel comfort and warmth, where you are expected and loved. You have been my “home” for eight years, but already five as I am homeless.

Parents finally divorced when doctor put me in the first stage of depression. Although there was still a way out of this situation and possibility of normal life. I refused. Very stupid, yeah, I know. The father did not want to take even more care and responsibility in the form of a lazy son, in the same gay, suffering from his departed love. And I don’t blame him. Thanks to him at least for the fact that my childhood was happy. After all, happiness is no more. There is a gray ceiling, the same walls and windows. The only colors on them are your posters and drawings, as bright with a strawberry aroma as you were. Incredibly tender as a strawberry and so I would like to keep you in my memory.

During the reading, you could thought that I blame you and consider you the cause of all my problems. But no, I am the cause of my own sadness and suffering. I feel nothing about myself except disappointment, while all the other positive emotions I feel because of you. I am grateful that you have been with me since my ten years and up to eighteen. These are the happiest eight years of my life, filled with only the best and beloved. Filled with you and our relationship. _Our love._

Thank you for all that was and what will no longer be. You probably will never read this message, but I hope that you became such a composer and rapper, whom we represented together. Let now separately. You're in America, my number has been blocked with you for five years now. And I'm in Seoul, and in spite of everything I am writing to you in the blind hope that you still want to hear the most important words, albeit already inappropriate.

I did not need to let you go to America then, but studying in NY would be be easier and better for you. There was no need to shout, get angry, say those terrible things. Then I felt offended and betrayed, because the most important person literally left for me on another continent. Now I suffer from my own stupidity. I needed to go with you. It was necessary to say that I will support you in any case and I will wait, no matter what. Then everything would be fine and exactly as we dreamed.

_I could not describe our meetings quite colorfully, but you understood what I’m talking about, even when I said just one word._

Consider this message not as a suicide guy note, despite tomorrow by this time most likely I will be gone. This is more like gratitude for all the years together to my lover. I hope that you also do not regret this time.

_"Even if we begin to move away, everything is fine."_

Squeaky swing. Balcony and the smell of strawberry cigarettes. Crab chips on your bed. Dirty kitchen. Lots of old posters covering cracked tiles. A scar on the right thigh. Pier. Cherry hygienic lipstick. Kiss. _Love._

Even though you left me, my heart still with you.

 _I love you, Kim Hongjoong._ And I will continue to love, even I do not wait for an answer. You are my first and my last dearest person.

**Forever yours, Park Seonghwa.**

_**strawberry.joong** _

ummm

hi?

you’re right

it’s really hard to begin, for me to 

your message...

Hwa

i’m not angry at you 

yep, I was for a long time, like some months 

but now I’m not

it was my fault that I didn’t tell you about grant in music university in NY

i was

scared???

i don’t really remember why but I didn’t want to ruin happiness that we built in that eight years 

and I was wrong about it 

it was awful idea to say about studying in America in week before it begins 

I’m sorry about this 

and I’m so sorry that I left you and you was feeling so bad during all this time 

you said that you don’t blame me but now I do 

if we just talked about it

if I told earlier 

everything could be different 

really, I was thinking about you a lot 

you was drawing me while I was doing music and the most of my lyrics are for you  
  
your letter is so big and emotional and I’m just like potato texting you only few worlds 

sorry for this, I’m really shocked

I’m really sorry to hear about your depression and how you were suffering because of me

I hope that you’ll read this in some minutes and everything is ok with you

I would like to see you

I remember everything you talking about

how could I forget?

oh 

well

right now I’m in the airport 

some weeks ago I decided to come back home 

and when you texted me I was in a plane

so I’m in the Seoul

and Seonghwa

my little and the brightest star

I love you too

I thought that this feelings will disappear soon but it doesn’t 

you’re important for me

Can you wait for an hour?   
  
I will be at your place

if you don’t want to see me and you’re offended I’ll understand

i did an awful thing

but I want to replace our sad five years with happy moments and true feelings

Seonghwa?

 _ **flowerhwa**_

HONGJOONG? Is it really you? 

I can’t believe that you really read it and answered me.

I’m not angry at you too. I understand you fear about ruining our happiness. And I’m sorry that I shouted at you that day and said a lot of offensive things. Both of us was on emotions and we didn’t understand what we were doing. 

You texted me earlier that I decided to do what I was planning...

Thank you for this. 

I was sad and depressed for five years, but now I’m felling... happiness?

I’m at my place now.

I was waiting for you for long five years. Of course I can wait for an hour more. 


End file.
